I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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