Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
