when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
