So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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