hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
