I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
