Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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