There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
