Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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