I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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