it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
