I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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