I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
