So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
