I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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