my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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