Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
