dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
