She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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