dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
MIDGETS
????
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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