Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
