thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
