My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We have started to decorate penises.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
