we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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