Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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