Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
its liver damage thursday
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
