Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
