i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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