At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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