OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
