I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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