i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The pigeons can smell the fear
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.