I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
