That's when you crack a 10am beer
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
