he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
