The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
