the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
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Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?