Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
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most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.