I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
