I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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