please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
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From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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