These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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