He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
