Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
