we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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