Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
