i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
