ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
