There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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