I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
