I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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