How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
