Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
