bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
