I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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