Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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