I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
