A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
