A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
ok first of all what the fuck
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
